


This Just Makes It So Much Harder.

by MyCupOfEarlGrey



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), 5SOS
Genre: Crying, Cutting, Emotions, I had no ideawhat to title this, M/M, Mashton, Self-Harm, This is kinda angsty, lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2210502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyCupOfEarlGrey/pseuds/MyCupOfEarlGrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael does something stupid and Ashton has a self-harm relapse. But Michael helps him feel better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Just Makes It So Much Harder.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm incredibly happy with most of this story, but I will warn you I had a little trouble with the ending. But leave a kudos or a comment if you like it (Or if you don't :)) and I'll reply to all your comments:D Also feel free to tell me if i made any spelling/grammar/tense etc. mistakes so yeah, enjoy :)

Ashton loves Michael. He’s loved him from almost the first time they met. He loves Michael’s smile, and his constantly changing hair. And he knows that Michael loves him, and he knows that Michael will never love him back.

That doesn't do anything for the fact that it feels like a feather duster in his belly whenever he sees Michael smile.

He always thought that he would watch Michael grow up, and grow out of the band and their cuddling sessions. He'd watch Michael find a girl and get married. And he'd watch them be happy, and have kids and he'd be Uncle Ashton. And somehow he knew that even through Michael building a life separate from Ashton that he'd never get over him. There would always be a hole in his soul for Michael to fill.

He supposes he saw it coming. He feels his guts twisting every time he sees Michael with Harry. And in some part of his mind Ashton must have known there was something there. But walking past Michael's bedroom and hearing them. Hearing the headboard knock against the wall, hearing Michael moaning Harry’s name. He can’t take it.  
He runs to his room, slamming the door a bit too hard but he doesn't care. He collapses into his bed, curling up into a ball and crying. And the tears won’t stop for what feels like hours. And when they do stop it feels like Ashton is almost empty. Like he cried out every emotion and all that’s left is the sharp pain between his ribs that seems as natural as breathing. 

And his wrists are itching like crazy, and he tries to fight the urge to slice them open but he can feel his resolve dripping away. And then he can’t anymore, or he doesn't want to. Either way he feels himself break.

He races to the bathroom and collapses on the floor, leaning his back against the tub. He grabs one of the plastic razors from the bag in the cabinet and easily breaks the top. He removes the sharp blades and takes one between his fingers, pressing it against his wrist.

Ashton hasn't cut in a long time. Not since the band got big. Over a year, he thinks. But his wrists itch every time he sees Michael and Harry. And he knows. He knows that Michael will never love him. He knows that he never really had a chance. But Michel with Harry is just too much. Ashton feels like someone’s shoved their hand through his rib cage and grasped his heart and squeezed. He feels like he's been gasping for breath for weeks. And the first cut is like a lungful of air. His heart still hurts, of course it does. But it’s like the sharpness of the pain is trickling out along with the blood.

And Ashton starts to cry. Michael will never love him. Cut. Michael loves Harry. Cut. He needs Michael. Cut. Michael doesn't need him. Cut.  
There are nine cuts on Ashton's wrist when he hears the knock on the door.

“Ashton? Are you okay mate? You've been in there a while.” There is concern in Michael's voice.

“I'm fine.” Ashton replies, but it’s not convincing. Michael could hear that he was crying.

“I can tell you're not. I'm coming in.”

Ashton panic’s a little, because Michael is opening the door and Ashton drops the razor blade but there isn't even time to move. So Michael walked in to see Ashton sitting against the tub and tears on his face and blood running across his wrists and trickling onto his stomach.

Ashton can see his face turn from concerned to horrified as his eyes took in Ashton's body.

“Ash?” he asked quietly. “What are you- Why are you doing this?”

I-I don’t know.” He replies timidly.

“Ash don’t give me that. It’s been over a year since you've done this. Something must have happened.” Michael cautiously walks into the bathroom. He tries his best not to outwardly freak out. He wets a washcloth with cool water and retrieves some bandages from the cabinet. He then sits beside Ashton and picks up his left wrist. “Tell me what happened. Please?”

“It’s you and Harry.” Ashton says as Michael uses the washcloth to cleans the blood off of the cuts on Ashton's forearms, and that which had dripped onto his stomach.

“Me and… Harry?” Michael looks confused.

“Last night. I could hear you guys you know. You weren't exactly quiet.”

“Oh.” Michael stays silent for a long moment after he says that, wrapping the bandages around Ashton's wrists. “That’s not a thing. I mean it is, we fucked. But me and Harry aren't together. And even if we were why does it matter this much to you?”

“Shouldn't it be obvious? I like you. I freaking love you. And it’s not like I ever thought I had a chance, I thought you were straight, but this just makes it so much harder and I know you can’t understand and that’s okay. I just-“

“I like you too.”

“I- what? That’s not funny Michael.”

“I'm not joking.” Michael smiles sadly, moving his hand from Ashton's wrist to his shoulder. He leans in to kiss Ashton's cheek.

“That’s not what it seemed like when you were letting Harry fucking Styles shove it up your arse!" Ashton's sudden outburst scares Michael and he jerks away from the other boy.

“Ash. I didn't- I didn't think you felt like that. You don’t have to give me a chance. You don’t have to forgive me. But can’t you understand? It’s just the way I deal I guess. You…cut.” he pauses cautiously, obviously not sure if he is allowed to mention it. “You cut, I fuck.”

“Oh.” Is all Ashton says in reply. But his anger is gone. Because he does understand. Of course he understands. He knows exactly how Michael feels. How hard it is to deal with the pain of loving someone you think will never love you back.

“Are you okay now? Or…” Michael trails off. However he feels for Ashton, his first priority is to make sure his friend is okay.

“I will be.” Ashton replies with a weak smile.

And then Michael leans in, placing a fast kiss on Ashton's mouth.

“Ash? You look tired. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Er, not really.”

“Alright babe.” Michael says. He hopes that’s okay. Calling Ashton babe. Maybe Ashton is too tired to notice. “Let’s go take a nap.”

Ashton notices, but he doesn't say anything, just lets the other boy pick him up and carry him to Michael's room.

He sets Ashton down and pulls the covers back for him. Ashton gratefully climbs under them and curls against the mattress.

“Cuddle with me?” Ashton asks. Michael couldn't say no even if Ashton hadn't looked so cute with the blankets pulled to his chin. So he switches his jeans for sweatpants and lays down next to Ashton, who immediately snuggles into his chest.

“Mikey?” he asks quietly. Michael can feel the word vibrate through his chest. “Will you be gone when I wake up?”

He seems so fragile and tiny right now that Michael can hardly believe that he is the younger of the two.

“No. I will be right here when you wake up. Even if you sleep all day.” Michael whispers and then kisses Ashton's forehead as he drifts off to sleep.

Michael falls asleep half an hour later, still holding Ashton tightly to his chest. They stay like that for hours, asleep and breathing in time with each other.

They both wake up to the noise of Luke and Calum coming back from wherever the hell they went.

“Michael!” Ashton whispers looking at his bandaged arms and sounding a bit panicked. “I don’t want them to find out. I don’t want them to know.”

“Hey, relax baby.” Michael says rubbing the other boy’s shoulders. He gets up off the bed and pulls his black and white sweater out of the second drawer.

“Arms up.” He says to Ashton and then pulls the sweater over him. He adjusts the sleeves over Ashton's wrist and smiles. “There you go.”

Ashton smiles back and pulls Michael into a tight hug.

And Michael doesn't expect it when Ashton pulls out of the hug a bit and presses their lips together. But of course he has no objection, and he quickly starts kissing Ashton back.

And when they break apart, he whispers “I love you.” Into Ashton's ear.

“I love you too.”


End file.
